Author: Nicolette Ward, October 2024
Dear Frustrated,
How does the old saying go? You can take a horse...? Seriously though, it can take alot of courage to come to counselling. I know what it's like to sit in couples counselling, I have been there myself - it is like being a cat on a hot, tin roof in the Ozzie Summer!
That said, what I have found is that issue usually involves one partner waving the 'let's go to counselling' flag for several years before their partner will even acknowledge there is a need to do so. It can be verrrrry frustrating...
Generally, the couple will show up when that same flag-bearing partner, lets go of the relationship rope and says:
"That's it! I am done. I am out!"
Now look, truthfully, it doesn't have to come to that but... and I stress but... if your partner only chooses to hear you only when you threaten them, then that is equally as problematic. Because now you are working with force, rather than power.
Its possible that by that stage, so much has happened and remained unresolved in the relationship that it is difficult to come back from all the hurt and the pain. Sensitivities are running high, and neither can barely tolerate the sight of each other. Reknowned couples researcher, Dr John Gottman says when there is contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling in a relationship, it is a 90% predictor that that relationship will fail! It's very difficult to work though the issues when the relationship has been left to deteriorate to that degree.
Tip 1: Download my Therapist Brochure
If I was to offer, that it may help to gently explain to your partner, the benefits of counselling, and perhaps even download my therapist brochure for a show and tell, and explain to your partner, that couples counselling is an opportunity for growth to deepen and strengthen your relationship! It doesn't represent weakness, it represents learning about each other. There is no shame in that. It takes a great deal of vulnerability to step into 'OK, we need support for a short time in the course of this relationship'. Just like a plane that needs a control tower to support the landing, that is all couples counselling is - a place to land and take stock, learn more about the new relationship landscape you find yourselves in, and have a person to facilitate your way through some tricky territory
Tip 2: Attend as an Individual first if needed, then bring the Couple to Counselling.
While I don't actively encourage couples attending counselling as individuals, sometimes, it does help for the one partner to book an appointment to see if their chosen counsellor is a good fit for their presenting issue(s). This can often shore up the other partner's confidence, and also show that you are putting your money where your mouth is.
Tip 3: What happens in the Couple Bubble Stays in the Couple Bubble.
Relying on friends and family to vent to, and demonise your partner, case-building and enemy-image-making won't hold the relationship together. Everyone has their own agenda, and that may not bode well for your relationship, even when the relationship comes good. Couples counselling is a very specific modality, and not just any old counsellor or psychotherapist can work with couples.
Tip 4: Having your own therapists for Couples issues may damage your relationship.
Please don't fall into the trap of each attending your own psychologist and complaining about your partner. All you will get there is validation of your own actions, and perhaps even a broken relationship because your therapist cannot possibly know how to assist until they hear both sides of the couple's story. Simples!
Tip 5: Not all therapists are Couples therapists.
Finally, your therapist must have at the very least one of two qualifications, Gottman or PACT (Psycholobiological Approach to Couples Counselling), among other things.
So my dear, Frustrated, if there is discontent, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling happening in your relationship, perhaps then, approach your partner with all the above information to hand, when they are relaxed and open to hearing you - timing is key, and expand on the two most important things that are happening in your relationship with some examples to convince your partner to give it a go. Who knows, you may get an agreement from your partner to do something about it.
Comments